no, he came in my armpit
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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