Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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