I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
