you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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