I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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