He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
