my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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