I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
