She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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