Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
