If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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