Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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