Nicole vs. Life
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
