Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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