Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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