he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
