Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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