apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
