I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
