he told me I talked like a deaf person
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
