Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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