i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
