I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
