It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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