I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
