the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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