I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
