My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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