look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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