Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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