i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
