I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I checked into jail on foursquare
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
