Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
