A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
