I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
