Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
