He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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