We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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