my mouth tastes like poor choices
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
