I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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