Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
