If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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