Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
