it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
