Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
