How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
