I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
