i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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