I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
MIDGETS
????
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
