Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
