I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
